虚无之嗜

我第一次写这种画作阐述，我一直觉得这种没什么好写的，第一，我书的少，第二，我的文采很糟糕，逻辑很奇怪，说到哪里算到哪里😅，最后，当我画出一幅画，人们会开始认真或者粗略的欣赏，他们想到哪里就是哪里，认为什么就是什么，我也不在乎他们的想法是不是和我的脑子里想要表述的是否一致。然而，为什么我觉得我需要开始写了呢？其实我也不知道为什么哈哈😁 可能是因为我愿意打开自己的心门了？也有可能我觉得我的网站空空荡荡的，需要点文字来充实下了。身边好多人都和我说，你为什么不拍短视频啊，这个流量那么大，不是有更多的人看。哎，我不喜欢这种方式，用摄像头记录我的一切，我觉得很做作而且很可怕，拍的时候是一种心情，剪视频的时候又是另一种心情，我走不出自己心里那关，并且我讨厌在视频上看到我的脸和听到我的声音，只会让我更厌恶自己。

This is my first time writing an artist’s statement. Honestly, I’ve always felt there wasn’t much point in writing one. First of all, I’m not exactly well-read. Second, my writing is terrible—my logic is all over the place, and I just ramble wherever my mind takes me 😅. And finally, when I finish a painting, people will look at it however they want, seriously or casually. They’ll think whatever they think, see whatever they see, and I honestly don’t care whether their interpretation matches what was in my head or not. So why do I suddenly feel the need to write something now? I don’t really know, Ha Ha 😁. Maybe I’m finally willing to open the door to my heart a little? Or maybe I just feel like my website is painfully empty and needs some words to fill it up. So many people around me keep asking, “Why don’t you make short videos? The traffic is insane, Wouldn’t more people see your work that way?” Ugh, I just hate that format. The idea of recording everything with a camera feels so contrived and creepy. You’re feeling one thing while you’re filming, and then something completely different while you’re editing. I just can’t get past that mental block. Plus, I loathe seeing my face and hearing my voice on video. It only makes me despise myself more.

说回正题，我很喜欢揣摩心里世界，光揣摩自己的不够，我还爱观察其他陌生人，不过因为现实中的压力，我有很多情感想要宣泄。可能很多人都会有这样的感觉，对于爱，对于仇恨，对于不平等。有时候会一直陷入这个世界就是黑暗的困境，对于我自己，我没有办法看到那一束光，但我没有病，我只是犟了点，只要和我爱的外婆多说说话，对这个世界的信心就又回来了，人类的大脑真的有意思，永远可以在崩溃的边缘来回蹦跳。我认为我的心中充满爱与浪漫，我想成为一个这样的人，虽然理性总是把我打倒，但如果世界上有这样一个人能够与我互相分享这种情感，我会很快乐，那可真的算是碰到灵魂伴侣了。我希望我画中的人物也能拥有这份神经，那他们活着的时候可以去爱每个人。但是啊，生命中，就是会碰到几个王八蛋过来毁灭这一份我独享的爱，这些人到底是为什么要破坏？可能是嫉妒，丑陋，脑子里缺根筋，或者单纯就是个智商低到负的并让人无可救药的缺心眼子，甚至都不想要用傻子来描述他们！

Anyway, back to the point. I really love diving into the inner world of the psyche. Examining my own isn’t enough, though I’m also obsessed with observing total strangers. But because of all the pressure in real life, I have a ton of emotions I need to vent. I think a lot of people probably feel the same way about love, about hatred, about injustice. Sometimes I get stuck in this pit of thinking that the world is nothing but darkness. As for myself, I can’t seem to see that one ray of light. But I’m not sick. I’m just a bit stubborn. All it takes is a few good chats with my beloved grandma, and my faith in the world comes rushing back. The human brain is so fascinating. It can always teeter on the edge of collapse and then bounce right back. I believe my heart is full of love and romance, and I want to be that kind of person, even though rationality keeps knocking me down. But if there were someone in this world I could share that feeling with, I’d be so happy. That would really be meeting a soulmate. I hope the characters in my paintings can possess that same madness, so that when they’re alive, they can love everyone. But—life just has to throw a few bastards at you, doesn’t it? They come to destroy this private love I hold dear. Why do these people do it? Maybe jealousy, maybe ugliness of the soul, maybe a missing screw in the brain, or maybe they’re just pure, hopeless, irredeemable imbeciles with an IQ in the negatives. I don’t even want to use the word "fools" to describe them. It’s too generous!

可能这就是为什么我想要创造这一系列吧，想要把这一份感情展现出来，也许是爱与恨的对比？这样说好像有点老套？无所谓了，在我创立的这份档案里，人活着都是被这些感情所包围着，但是每个人物永远都是特别的，至少对于我来说是特别的，至我爱的及爱我的猪天使。

Maybe that’s why I wanted to create this series to lay all these emotions out on the table. A contrast between love and hate, perhaps? That sounds a bit cliché, doesn’t it? Ah, whatever. In this archive I’m building, every human lives engulfed by these emotions, but each character is always unique—at least, unique to me. Dedicated to those I love and to my beloved Porco Angel.

猪天使永远带给我极致的爱与温柔，在我眼里，羽毛翅膀就是她的温柔，身上的珠子都是与爱的人之间的回忆，但在这背后，总是有冰冷恨意这样的陷阱。两种都是本能，但是后者总是想吞噬掉另一方。那是为了什么呢？吞噬完让自己成为有爱的那个生物？这样的货色就算有了爱，也是虚无吧？它拿着爱做不了任何的事情，因为它们本能就是一直带着冰冷的恨。

Porco Angel brings me the ultimate love and tenderness. To me, her feathered wings are that tenderness, and every bead on her body holds a memory shared with the ones she loves. But behind all that, there’s always a trap of cold, icy hatred. Both are instincts, but the latter is forever trying to devour the former. And why is that? So that after devouring, it can become a creature capable of love? But a thing like that, even if it got hold of love, would just be hollow, wouldn’t it? It can’t do anything with love, because its very instinct is to carry that unrelenting, frozen hatred.

至柔，孕育至恨。

愈合，灼烧，她凝视着深渊的倒影。

而深渊，已开始报数。

The gentlest touch breeds the fiercest hate.

Mending, searing—she holds the abyss's gaze.

And the abyss

has started its count.

那个大翅膀下就是温暖的，我最喜欢躺在猪天使的怀里，即使我伤的再深，她会永远保护我，在我这里，她就是百分百完美。可恨意总是伤害我爱的人，我自然要凝视并抵抗这来自深渊的黑暗物质。然而那坨东西上的尖锐光刺本身自带毁灭性质，想要来一场彻彻底底的爱的扫射。

Beneath those massive wings, it’s warm. I love lying in Porco Angel’s embrace. No matter how deeply wounded I am, she will always protect me. In my eyes, she is 100% perfect. But hatred always hurts the ones I love, so naturally, I have to stare down and resist that dark substance from the abyss. That thing’s sharp, piercing barbs are inherently destructive. They want to unleash a thorough, sweeping gunfire against love.

恨意显影为黑暗棱刺，

刺穿光芒，

吞噬光线，

只为彻底毁灭。

Hatred develops into a dark prism,

piercing the light,

devouring the rays,

bent on utter annihilation.

你说它的心里是为什么呢？伟大的爱虽也拥有耀眼的光芒，但始终无法抵抗住它那残酷的光，因为我总认为黑暗能吞噬一切，也只是我认为，爱再伟大也会被消灭？虽然精神还在，但是能真正感受到的人也已不在了，一起走向毁灭。就像宇宙中两颗行星相爱，一颗被炸掉了，一颗殉情了，罪魁祸首就在无尽中飘荡着，等待下一个目标。

What’s going on inside its heart, I wonder? Great love has its own dazzling light, but it can never fully resist that brutal glare, because I’ve always believed that darkness can swallow everything. That’s just what I believe, though. Can great love really be annihilated? Though its spirit lingers on, the one who could truly feel it is no longer there. They walk into destruction together. It’s like two planets in the universe falling in love. One gets blasted to pieces, and the other dies of a broken heart. And the culprit just drifts endlessly through the void, waiting for the next target.

将自己点燃，

成为光的屏障。

光与暗之间，

消失于爱的刹那。

放射，

湮灭。

Ignites itself,

a barrier of light.

Between light and dark,

vanishing into love's instant.

Radiant,

Consumed.

在光湮灭以及充满爱的生物的湮灭之后，一切就像泡泡一样，一戳就破，只留下恨意的碎片与凋零的温柔，留下那团冰冷恨意存在于空无之中。你会觉得他有一丝的胜利吗？哪怕只有一瞬间，至少我认为有，但是关于爱的所有的一切都消失了，就连那份感受也抓不到，只有那坨恨还在虚空中游荡。

After the light is extinguished, and after the love-filled beings are annihilated, everything pops like a bubble with a single poke. All that’s left are the fragments of hatred and the wilted remains of tenderness. That cold, frozen hatred remains there, existing in the emptiness. Would you think it has even a shred of victory? Even for just a fleeting moment? At least, I think it does. But everything about love has disappeared. You can’t even grasp the feeling of it anymore. Only that lump of hatred remains, drifting through the void.

熄灭了。

崩散了，

飘落了。

虚空中，

只剩下虚空。

Extinguished.

Shattered,

drifting.

In the void,

nothing but the void.

也许我写的没人看，有时候我自己也看不懂自己写的，我也不想一直来来回回修改我的文字，最多看看有没有错别字。我要把我的直接意识记录下来，这样回看应该挺有意思，怎么有这样的白痴哈哈哈。还有虽然这个网站压根没什么人来看，所以就这样吧，让我松懈和泄愤一会儿，我们活的都太紧张了。

Maybe no one will read this. Sometimes I can’t even understand what I’ve written myself. I don’t want to go back and forth endlessly editing my words either, I’ll just check for typos at most. I want to record my raw consciousness. Looking back at it later should be quite amusing: “What kind of idiot wrote this? Haha.” And besides, hardly anyone visits this website anyway, so let it be. Let me let loose and vent a little. We all live way too tensely.

English is translated by AI. Because I’m not professional. 🙄

the void Devours

虚无之嗜